Loving Kindness

CW: Gender discrimination, racial discrimination, suicide, privilege

In the spring of 2018, I came out publicly as trans non-binary in both my personal and professional lives, which are intimately intertwined as a doula. I questioned the timing of this alongside the growth of my business, but ultimately decided that I could not effectively show up in service of others without doing so transparently as mySelf – more on this and why I see my gender identity as a strength in the work I do in the cis and heteronormative world of birth in a future post. 

 Since, I have dealt with some hurtful push back, but even more so, a whole lot of well-intentioned, but alienating nonsense. What is more important to me about these experiences than my own feelings around them, are the ways in which they have helped me begin to understood in a completely new way what transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people who have fewer privileges than I, have to deal with/have been dealing with for all of human history. I am someone who is generally accepted (if misunderstood) in society because of my appearance and behavior, and so in addition to privilege as we often think of it, I also acknowledge that folks may be marginalized to varying degrees based on demands and exceptions when it comes to conforming socially. 

So here are some ways that you (and I) might be acting in a way that is exclusionary or even violent towards trans folks, whether you are cisgender or not:

1. You forget, or you do not know, that trans people of color, and especially trans women of color are disproportionately impacted by all of the injustices expressed on this list and beyond. You forget, or you do not know, that trans women of color are often murdered and those homicide cases almost always go unserved. You forget, or you do not know, that trans people, and especially children and teens are more likely to commit suicide.
2. You question or deny the validity of trans and gender expansive identities (even in a way that to you seems harmless). Maybe you do this out of fear. Maybe you do this out of misunderstanding. Maybe you simply do not realize that you could never define someone else’s experience on their behalf. Maybe you do not know that there is historical, cultural, and medical precedent to support and validate these identities.
3. You forget, or you do not know, that trans people generally have much more limited access to necessities like healthcare, housing, and paid work. 
4.  You stay silent in the face of discrimination towards trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people. Your silence is exactly what has the power to erase us. Just because you don’t outright deny the existence or validity of trans people doesn’t mean you aren’t violent towards them.
5. You have questions about gender, but you don’t bother doing any research or seeking out information that will help you deepen your understanding.
6. Or, you don’t have any questions (in which case you very likely are not reading this post) because you think that none of this applies to you or anyone you know/love. You think that you would know if someone in your community or life was trans. You think that they would tell you. You don’t realize that your apathy marks you as an unsafe person. You don’t realize that you likely do know and/or care for someone who is trans. 
7. You ask someone in your life who is trans to be the one to educate you, your community, or your business partners/employees on gender. … And if/when they comply with your request to do so, you don’t even consider that perhaps you should compensate them for their time and emotional energy.
8. You wait to begin learning about transgender rights until there is an out trans member of your family, community, or a trans coworker/employee at your place of work.
9. If you are a business owner or manager, you avoid hiring trans employees and/or make it difficult for them to work in your space by not having gender inclusive policies in place. If you are a public servant, health care provider (especially if you are a health care provider!!!), housing provider/landlord, or in a service based profession of any kind, you avoid serving trans people and/or make no effort to make your service inclusive of them.
10. You know someone who is transgender, non-binary, or gender non-conforming and you choose to ignore their identity. You misgender them, use the wrong pronouns, use their dead name, or avoid talking about them/to them all together because it makes you uncomfortable. You think this is okay because you, “still love them,” and aren’t explicitly cutting them out of your life. 
11. You acknowledge and stand with trans people in your community, but you forget that allyship is a dynamic relationship, not an identity you can claim for yourself. If this is you, please continue to be in conversation with those who you want to support. Be mindful that not everyone is out in all of their circles, and be sensitive to the ways they might want/need support. 

Just because you don’t outright deny the existence or validity of trans people doesn’t mean you aren’t violent towards them. Love is an active practice, not a passive state of being – especially when it comes to loving those who live in the margins. Fear and shame fester in silence and inaction. 

New to this conversation or these ideas, but inspired to learn? Here are just a few resources to get you started:

https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/

Click to access allys-guide-to-terminology_1.pdf

Click to access asking-for-name-and-pronouns.pdf