Asking for What I Need

February 9, 2016

- BestSelf, Honesty, Intention, Practice

I am a people-pleaser, a giver, a compromiser… and these are all things that I am proud of. I give a lot to the people I care about, and I don’t like saying “no” to their needs and desires. I have heard my loved ones denied too many times to compound that negativity. Caring for others and giving to them – out of Love – brings me the most joy. But, when it comes to asking others for what I need, I am often afraid. I am afraid to hear “no.” I am afraid to be needy. I am afraid to be weak. I am afraid to want. Don’t get me wrong, when I have to, I stand my ground. I can be stubborn. I know how to set boundaries and stick to them. But, when I want a little thing… I am afraid it is too trivial. I am afraid to ask for it. I tell myself it is just a little thing anyways, and I try to let it go. I want so badly to always be content, that when I find myself needing/wanting something, I try and reframe and erase that desire, for the sake of contentment. Fake it ’til you make it, right? Wrong. The thing is… Fear adds up. And it adds up quickly. For every little want or need that is suppressed, Fear increases exponentially. Sometimes (like this weekend) I find myself in the arms of my partner, starting to fall apart because I have given so much at work, socially, energetically, romantically… and haven’t asked for what I need. I am grateful that he holds me accountable and reminds me… In these moments, I am so afraid to ask for what I need, that I am already defeated. In my mind, there is no chance of getting a “yes” in response, and I just give up. Don’t Give Up. Ask. “Can you help me with ______?” “Will you stop what you are doing and talk to me?” “Can you give me some space?” “Will you be on time?” “Can you set aside time just for me?” “Will you let me know ______ ahead of time?” “Can you tell me what to expect?” Sometimes the answer will be “no” and sometimes it will be “yes.” That’s the prerogative of whomever I am asking. It is my responsibility to communicate my needs, and not to give up before the question is even posed, just because I am afraid to ask it. For the Love of me, for the Love of my relationships with my friends, family, and coworkers – I must ask for what I need. That is why I wear this reminder on my wrist. No matter how much time I devote to the idea – Love over Fear – I still need the reminder. If you see me falter, you can remind me too. Love first.

Reframing: Fact & Truth.

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

November 29, 2015

- Honesty, Mind

I am an over-thinker who surrounds myself with other over-thinkers. My best friends and I can play devil’s advocate for hours. We frame and reframe whatever subject is at hand until we’ve turned over every inch of it twice. Particularly when it comes to the tough stuff, the things that challenge us, we find ways to twist and reevaluate our perceptions until there is some feeling of mental clarity and direction. Recently, I had a conversation with a fellow over-thinker about Fact and Truth.

Merriam-Webster:

Fact

:something that truly exists or happens : something that has actual existence

: a true piece of information

Truth

the truth : the real facts about something : the things that are true

: the quality or state of being true

: a statement or idea that is true or accepted as true

The conversation began with my friend challenging the validity of “new-agey” “healing” practices like reiki, crystal healing, and the likes. As someone who believes a little bit of everything, my response was, “if it can’t hurt, and it might help, then why not try? Why not try if the practitioner believes in it?” I continued by expressing my distrust for what science posits as Fact… particularly when it comes to personal health. Without getting too heated about it, here’s a simple example: Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Only eat the egg white. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. We can give antibiotics to the chickens and get better eggs. Don’t eat eggs from chickens treated with antibiotics. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Free-range eggs are healthier for you. Free-range eggs aren’t any healthier. Free-range eggs are better for the animals. Free-range doesn’t really give the animals “free range.” Free-range eggs are worse for the environment. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Use applesauce instead of egg when you are baking. Vata Dosha should eat eggs. Flax egg is a good vegan egg substitute. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Annnnnyyyyways… Fact. People – your neighbor, the media, your doctor, your nutritionist, your Ayurvedic specialist – some more knowledgable than others, tell us any of the above as Fact. “Well…. I still think there are some things that are just Fact,” my friend said as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Maybe there are, but maybe we have bastardized the meaning of Fact. If a Fact is something we are offered by any of the above specialists, then Fact is biased. Fact is experiential. Fact is personal. Fact is somewhere between belief and Truth. Truth. Truth, then, is objective. Truth is unbiased. Often, Truth isn’t spoken. It isn’t over-thought. People don’t write click-bait articles about Truth (although they may write philosophical dissertations). It is just known. Truth applies to every experience. Or… maybe I’m just over-thinking this.