doula, Healing, Honesty, postpartum, Practice
In my previous post, Through a Trauma Lens: The Need for Doulas, I did something that I have too often been guilty of in the past – I only addressed pregnancy and birth, while neglecting postpartum (and conception, contraception, abortion, etc.). Over the past several months, my practice and study has been focused on integrating more postpartum support for those I serve. Now, I feel as a birth doula that I have failed my clients if I have not adequately prompted them to evaluate their potential needs in the weeks and months after their baby is born. It is still the case that far too few people consider, value, and hire a doula for their birth – even of those for whom the cost of these services is well within an accessible range. However, it breaks my heart when a person or family does see the value in a birth doula, but not in a postpartum doula. Birth is a blip – a significant blip, but still just a blip in your journey. The way that you are supported (or not) in the postpartum period will impact your physical, emotional, mental, and sexual healing and wellbeing for the rest of your life. Having adequate support during the fourth trimester and beyond can help prevent your birth story and your early parenting story from becoming traumatic memories for you, your partner, your family, and your baby. In addition to providing extra hands to help you care for your baby and household, a postpartum doula (or someone filling a similar role) will help you process as you go along, and make sure that you have the space, energy, and capacity to explore the emotions and thought-patterns that are integral to your healing. So often I see new parents who have been conditioned to believe that they are martyrs. The results of putting your needs so far below the needs of your new baby are devastating. Your family cannot afford to bottle up the difficult feelings that can, and will, arise in early parenthood. One cause of this perceived martyrdom is the slew of unrealistic expectations that you may have of your baby in their first few months of life. You may expect that your baby will eat on a schedule, poop on a schedule, and perhaps most outrageously, sleep for several consecutive hours on a schedule. Then when this doesn’t happen – because it won’t – you put a huge amount of pressure on yourself and your partner to care for this tiny being 24/7 on virtually no sleep. Why? I am sick of hearing, “this is just parenthood.” Perhaps this pain is a rite of passage, but when the pain becomes traumatic, it has gone too far. Often times, the lack of help sought during postpartum has to do with the intimacy of this time. Between the physical healing of the birthing parent, breastfeeding (when applicable), and the sheer loss of all social niceties under the weight of exhaustion, many families have a very short list of people whom they feel comfortable welcoming into their postpartum space. Rightfully so. I am all for setting boundaries and limiting your energetic expenditures through social exposure, but at what cost to your support system? Is that list of welcome guests so short that the only people on it aren’t available to really be there and help? Other times, I see pride as a limiting factor in receiving postpartum support. More often than not, it is a partner, not the birthing person/primary caregiver who adopts the attitude of, “we don’t need anyone else, we can do this on our own.” Sometimes in these cases, weeks later, when both parents are depleted, there is still a stubborn allegiance to this mindset that serves no one. To this person I ask, what if instead of taking pride in independence, you could take pride in your ability to receive help gracefully? Finally, the financial strain of having a new baby may limit the extent to which families are able to hire help in the months following birth. My advice to anyone who is now pregnant or trying to conceive is to budget for postpartum help now. If you end up reading this after the birth of your baby, consider sitting down and reevaluating the idea of hiring help – I can all but guarantee that your sleep and your sanity are wearing a much higher price tag these days. I can appreciate that for some people, hired help will simply not be a financial possibility. If this is your reality, consider expanding the list of folks you choose to ask for help, and really think about how those friends and family members can be most helpful in the limited time they may be able to come over and provide support. Do the dishes need to be done? When was the last time you showered? Could they hold the baby for a couple of hours while you nap? To return to trauma… all of the categories I addressed in my first post could be applied here. Rather than lay them all out in detail I would like to just remind the reader… Remember that people used to parent in larger family groups. Previously in human history, in a household with a new baby there was never someone more than an arms-length away from the infant. More likely than not, at almost all times that baby was being held. Very young babies do not sleep deeply for long stretches when left to lie alone – this is an evolutionary defense, not a behavioral problem. A calm, confident caregiver holding an infant has massive positive impacts on their development. And finally, you cannot fill from an empty cup. Do you have more questions about postpartum doulas or how you can best support yourself during the fourth trimester? Email me! loveoverfearwellness@gmail.com
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