BestSelf, Intention, Practice

Radical Self-Awareness, Radical Compassion

By JB on

December 14, 2018

- BestSelf, Intention, Practice

Two core values of my practice are “radical self-awareness” and “radical compassion.” What do these mean (to me)?

rad-i-cal

growing from the root.
affecting the fundamental nature of something.
favoring extreme changes in preexisting views.

self-a-wareness

awareness of ones own root.
awareness of ones own fundamental nature.
awareness of ones own biases, influences, and ignorances.

com-pas-sion

thoughtfulness and attempted understanding, often of what we may not know or see about another person, or about ourselves.

A practice of radical self-awareness can take shape through many modalities. Yoga, mindfulness, martial arts, meditation, journaling, therapy, support groups, the twelve steps… and an infinite number of other processes, some that I may never learn of, or any amalgamation of these different practices. No matter the path to arrival, radical self-awareness usually includes all or most of the following: awareness of ones location in their community, society, and the world (race, socioeconomic positio, religion, language, gender, sexual orientation, access needs, identity, etc.); awareness of ones body at an increasingly detailed and fine-tuned scale; awareness of ones own disposition; and growing awareness of personal or cultural narratives and biases, that one may otherwise be ignorant to.

In the practices I guide – movement, breath, somatic integration – and in the topics I educate on – inherently transformative reproductive stages and events (i.e., pregnancy, birth, postpartum) – this kind of self-awareness is integral to the evolution and holistic wellbeing of the individual. It is not something that I can give. It is something that whomever I am working with must want to approach for themselves. I can – and I do – express the importance of this kind of self-awareness, but I can never and would never push someone towards it.

It is messy, uncomfortable, jarring, and often times depressing to practice this kind of radical self-awareness… at least, at first.

Radical compassion, then, must follow the discomfort of radical self-awareness.

When I think of the move from radical self-awareness to radical compassion, I think of an illustrating example from my studies with Leslie Howard. Leslie is known for explicitly laying out a practice of Pelvic Floor Yoga. The pelvic floor is an area of the body that, for many reasons both cultural and personal, people tend to be disconnected from. Leslie spoke of a recurrent moment with her pelvic floor students that goes something like this:

While practicing, a student says, “I noticed _________________ in my body… what do I do about it?”

To which Leslie replies, “Be grateful that you noticed.”

That’s it. The step from radical self-awareness to radical compassion really can be that simple.

It is easy to avoid self-awareness all together, or to disengage from it once it starts to feel radical. An extreme change in our foundation can feel shaky, to say the least. Why would someone want to engage with practices that make them question their position in the world, their privileges, their disadvantages, their strengths, their weaknesses, their imbalances, and their traumas? I am here to say that it is worth it every single time, if – and maybe only if – the discomfort of radical self-awareness is followed by radical compassion.

When this blueprint is followed, that new, uncomfortable, but glorious awareness has implications not only for the way in which we meet ourselves, but also for the way in which we meet others. Rather than realizing our nuances and judging them, we realize them and begin to understand the influence that they have and have had on our behaviors, habits, and perceived failures. We can then choose to change or adjust based on the pull of our moral compass and personal ethics. Once we see this about ourselves, it starts to click that other people also have as much subtly to the way that they exist within, and interact with the world. As a result, we develop a greater capacity to deeply, truly, and lovingly support and forgive ourselves, and deeply, truly, and lovingly support and forgive others. We learn to confidently identify and ask for what we need, and respond to the needs of others with more receptivity.

BestSelf, doula, Healing, Honesty, Intention, Loving Kindness, Practice

In Response to Masculine Birth Ritual

By JB on

November 29, 2018

- BestSelf, doula, Healing, Honesty, Intention, Loving Kindness, Practice

Masculine Brith Ritual – A Podcast About Creating Life Outside The Lines

Masculine Birth Ritual is a podcast created by Grover Wehman-Brown, a writer, Baba to two kids, and a transmasculine butch who has carried a child. The podcast came out of a desire to connect queer and transgender people to roadmaps for survival in pregnancy, birthing, and parenting, and create space for more representation of transmasculine and gender-non-conforming people in those spaces.

I absolutely adore this podcast and the stories that are being shared through it. The discovery of this podcast came at an extremely critical moment for me, both personally and professionally. So I thought I would give a little bit of background and then return to the podcast itself and share pieces of it that have been most meaningful for me.

If you would like to learn more about Masculine Birth Ritual and listen, click here!

& consider becoming a Patreon to support the production and longevity of this amazing work!

Acknowledging and Affirming: My Own Gender Identity, Expression, and Social Transition as a Birth Professional

This past spring, I was in one of those places where it feels like everything is pulling apart just so that you can piece it back together in a new way. After leaving an unhealthy living situation to the call of, “go home, Jenna,” I moved back into to my parents’ house for a temporary hiatus (5 months) from a sliver of the responsibilities that I could give up (rent, groceries, utility bills), and I acknowledge the fact that I was able to do so is an immense privilege. I was exploring sobriety after – justly – questioning my relationship with alcohol. I was expanding my work as a doula – rebranding, establishing an LLC, hiring an accountant, adding new service offerings, working in a business coaching program, taking multiple courses related to my professional development…

Still, all of those shifts were nothing compared to one piece of myself that, while it had always been there, had recently begun to swell up, throb, and demand action – my gender identity. “Now is not the time,” I tried to convince myself.

Fast-forward through a whole mess of internal work.

Many of you know what came next, or you can probably guess. I ultimately decided that I couldn’t step fully into the deeply personal work of a doula without being authentically myself; I had to be transparent in order to be trustworthy, even if it meant being misunderstood by many, and all the loss that comes along with that misunderstanding. I began the social transition to out as a trans non-binary person in both my personal and professional lives.

It always seems like massive shifts happen all at once, rather than one at a time. Like nearly all transitions, the ones I was experiencing at this time in my life were painful, but worth it.

The only one of these changes that I ever catch myself doubting is my choice to be out publicly. I could look to blame others for this lack of confidence, but I won’t. The onus is on me for the way that I internalize the cultural narrative of the gender binary, and as a result fight with my own transphobia on a daily basis. I am responsible for the way I allow being misgendered and misunderstood to invalidate my sense of self, and the way that I question my value as a non-binary birthworker. This is an every day battle for me, and until recently, I failed to fully realize that this struggle makes me even more valuable as a doula, not less.

It was one moment recently – one small moment – that was so meaningful in affirming both my identity and my identity as it relates to my profession. Scrolling through Instagram one day, I noticed my friend Ray of Refuge Midwifery had posted about a new podcast. Enter, Masculine Birth Ritual.

My experience as a non-binary doula, and also as a non-binary hopeful future parent, is defined in part by a sense of isolation, despite knowledge that there are other people out there like me. So when I come across any connecting force for birth-y genderqueer folks – a podcast, an article, a facebook group – I find myself instantly uplifted.

As I began to listen to the podcast, I immediately felt parallels between the stories shared and my own experiences. Though each of the individuals interviewed have vastly different backgrounds and stories than one another, and myself, the connections I felt were extremely validating. Rather than diving deeply into analysis of those connections (because I’m not even sure I could articulate them clearly), I will instead share a few excepts from the transcripts of two interviews below, and then a very short list of affirmations I have been working with.

From Rabbi Elliot Kukla, a trans Rabbi & non-binary Papa, who cares spiritually for folks who are dying, as they process their grief.

Listen to Episode 5 here.

I actually came out as trans the same year I was ordained as a Rabbi in 2006. So they were very connected for me. I didn’t plan to come out really that year it was a really difficult time to come out in the same moment as being ordained. But it really was you know discovering that I couldn’t step into this role of being a Rabbi without a coming out process.
…
We have a stereotype that elders are going to be the least open to a trans population and very sick people are you know the least open to something new. And I really discovered just the opposite that you know elders and people who are very sick and people who are dying and in moments of transformation. Are often you know going through a similar process that I went through when I came out of you know… cracking open and are often at their most open and most vulnerable. And that being served by someone who clearly is liminal in some way and is fairly marginal in some way can be a profound form of connection. In fifteen years now of being a chaplain of doing this kind of work I can count on one hand really at the times that someone’s really struggling with my gender. And those times have been spiritually powerful often. You know there’s been a couple of times I’ve had to just not serve someone but most of the times it’s been spiritually meaningful when someone struggled with my gender.
…meaning that we are able to use that struggle in something that is relevant for their spiritual care and that’s what I’m for for that usually you know we’re able to not get stuck in that but but figure out what it is that is what is being touched on in them. And maybe it’s something about their own gender or something about their own transition in that moment or feeling outside or feeling in-between things
or feeling like the world is changing really fast.

From Mac Brydum, a social worker, doula and transman who is trying to conceive.

Listen to Episode 3 here.

I’ve found over the years through trial and error that that’s really where I shine and that’s where I’m happiest professionally, is being with people as they’re going through major life transitions and having a baby is one of the biggest life transitions anyone can go through. And I also just have a real love and passion and a real wonder, actually, about pregnancy and birth and parenting. And I think that stage of life for so many people is confusing and overwhelming. You hear a million different opinions and
sorting through all of that and figuring out what you actually want to do can be really really complicated.
So in the last few years I’ve found that being a doula is the perfect fit for me because it’s this fusion of, you know, I think of it as a form of social work because I am supporting people through a major life change. And I also think of it as a spiritual practice in a lot of ways as well because when somebody is becoming, you know, they are taking on a new identity…
…and as a trans person I can understand a shift in identity. While I’m not a parent myself yet, I hope to be soon, and so one thing that I’m really big on is just holding space for that shift in identity for the parent.

Affirmations…

My trans non-binary identity makes me stronger as a full-spectrum doula supporting people through birth, postpartum, pregnancy loss, and abortion because…

I understand personal loss.
I am practiced in transformation.
I know what it feels like to question myself.
I understand that grief is inherent in transition.
I know what it is like to feel misunderstood or invisible.
I live in the space between who I was before and who I am becoming.
I am familiar with the feeling of being lonely, even when I am not alone.
I relate to the experience of existing outside of the “norm” in a space where “norms” are an illusion.
I know that while others may relate to my experience or try to define it on my behalf, my experience is mine alone.

BestSelf, Honesty, Intention, Practice

Why Gender Neutral Language Should Be Common Practice… And Where to Start

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

June 20, 2018

- BestSelf, Honesty, Intention, Practice

Mis-gendering has been a running shtick for centuries. From Shakespeare to Netflix and everywhere in between, you can find comic relief in the form of gender bending and misunderstanding. Imagine a shot in a film where we only see the back of someone’s head. Our protagonist walks up behind the person and says, “excuse me, sir,” only for the person to turn around infuriated because they are clearly a “ma’am.” Cue nervous laughter from the audience. Misunderstanding, tension, comic relief. What is funny to me about this shtick (though, not laugh out loud funny) is that we never know a person’s gender by simply looking at them. This situation could be avoided by using gender neutral language. And if you’re thinking, “but Jenna, it’s just a stupid comedic set-up,” my response is two-fold:

Comedy writers, you can do better than that.
That was just a relatable example of something that happens all the time every day, even when people don’t pick up on the misunderstanding or the tension.

If people, in general, can relate to how uncomfortable it is for a “ma’am,” to be called, “sir,” then why do we have such trouble dropping gender-assumptive language? Yes, the gender binary is deeply ingrained, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t put forth the effort to make a change. In fact, I believe we can’t afford not to put in the effort to make gender neutral language common practice. The thing is, when we see someone in passing and casually gender them – whether in our own head or out loud – by using a gender-assumptive pronoun, designation, or colloquialism we are doing more than just “harmlessly” assuming… we are also assigning identity markers to that person. While a person can otherwise choose particular markers as a form of self-identification, in this context identity markers are perceived attributes assigned to a person in order to contextualize their status and role in society. Examples of identity markers are race, ethnicity, language, gender, age, religion, socioeconomic class, education, marital status, etc. So often people use these markers to describe another person to a friend, family member, or colleague… and much of the time at least some of the information shared is assumed based on perceived identity markers. We say, “~~She/he/~~they grew up in ____ neighborhood,” or, “~~she/he/~~they are married to a man who _____,” or, “~~she/he/~~they are 62 and go to church every Sunday.” We should think critically about what others read into when we use these markers (and also why we might be more likely to use an identity marker to describe someone than their personality or passions). Identity markers are loaded – especially when they are assigned or presumed – because of their cultural significance. Gender is a tricky marker, because it is invisible. It should never be assumed.

If you are new to learning about gender, here is a quick Gender 101: Gender is not defined by a individual’s genitals, sexuality, body type, hairstyle, body/facial hair, clothing, pitch of voice, lifestyle, beliefs, childbearing history, presence/absence of menstruation, etc. Gender is defined by the individual, based on how they relate to their lived experience. This means you cannot see/hear gender. Sex is what is between your legs, and gender is what is between your ears. Also, as a prerequisite for Gender 102: understand that gender is a spectrum, not a binary – there are more genders than just masculine and feminine. The language as it relates to biology and identity can get quite personal and subjective, so we will save that for another day.

To assume someone’s gender, especially if assuming their gender within the binary (i.e. masculine or feminine), is to box them into a whole set of preconceived cultural ideas about how they “should” be and behave. It also strips a person of the freedom to self-identify, which can be extremely disempowering. This happens all day, all the time. It is a habit I have been trying to break myself of, and encourage those closest to me to examine as well. Maybe you’re wondering how to start breaking the habit of automatically gendering others. Maybe you’re still not clear what I mean, or how this even shows up in every day life. Here are some practical ways to start realizing the importance of gender-neutral language, and put it into practice.

When you meet someone new, wait until you know a their gender before using gender-assuming or gender-affirming pronouns (she/her/hers; he/him/his; they/them/their; ze/zir; etc.), designations (sir, ma’am, father, mother, parent, etc.), and colloquialisms (dude, lady, man, mama, etc.).
1. How will you know the person’s gender, if not by sight? Wait for… the person to blatantly self-identify, “Hi, I’m Jenna, I prefer they/their pronouns.”
2. Or… ask what pronouns they use. Make it a practice to introduce yourself by following your name with your pronouns, and then ask the same of the other person.
3. Feels too new, uncomfortable, or unsafe? …wait to pick up on a gender-related identity marker, whether you hear them refer to themselves, or another person marks them (just be mindful that the other person could be mis-gendering your new friend).
It doesn’t matter what your new friend looks or sounds like. It doesn’t matter where you met them. Gender isn’t visible. Unless they are wearing their pronouns on a name tag, refer to step 1. Safe spaces are improved upon by informed allies.
When identifying someone in a narrative avoid assigning a gender. Maybe you just saw someone juggling while riding a unicycle down Main Street and you really want to tell your friend! Rather than, “I just saw a ~~man~~ juggling while riding a unicycle down Main Street.” Try, “I just saw a person juggling while riding a unicycle down Main Street.”
1. Want to add more details to your story? Use gender neutral pronouns! “He had a tie-dye vest on.” –> “They had a tie-dye vest on.”
2. The person on the unicycle ends up in line at the same coffee shop as you and you start chatting (but haven’t identified your genders yet) and someone else in line asks how you met? Don’t panic. It’s easy, “I saw them just now riding down Main Street and we started chatting.”
Replace your gender-assumptive habits with new ones! Maybe you always say, “Hey ladies,” when you start out a team meeting at work and everyone in the room ~~appears to be feminine~~ because it helps you feel more immediately connected to the group. Remember that you may be assuming someone’s gender. Find something else that connects you all – it can still be casual and fun – “Hey team,” or, “Hey party people!”
1. You can be your authentic self without tip-toeing around!
2. You just have to compassionately consider that everyone is having their own unique human experience, and deserves the right to own their gender identity. I all-but-guarantee you, if you sit with it, it will start to feel less important to always use that gender-exclusive language you’ve grown so attached to.
If you own or operate a business that asks for personal information, including gender, revise your forms to be inclusive. If you’re not sure how, it’s always a safe bet to just write “Gender: ______________ Pronouns:_____________,” and then just let folks fill it in as they’d like.
If you are a cisgender ally still struggling to understand why it is important to erase gender-assumptive language habits from your daily life… think of how you feel when someone incorrectly calls you, “sir,” or “ma’am,” (if it’s ever happened to you before)… and now imagine that happening every single day. That’s what it can feel like as a transgender, nonbinary, or gender non-conforming person.
If you are a cisgender ally desperately trying to integrate gender-neutral language and habits into your daily life, and it feels really hard… Keep doing your best! We all make mistakes. Seriously. We all mess this up. Correct yourself in the moment when you can, “I saw this man – uh – person juggling while riding a unicycle down Main Street,” or “he – uh – they live downtown.” Gracefully pick yourself up if you make a mistake, and keep on trying!
1. Don’t remind the transgender, nonbinary, or gender non-conforming folks in your life how hard it is to avoid misgendering them, though. Don’t express that them being themselves is a burden on you.
2. You got this!

Making gender-neutral language a common practice is a great way to show love, compassion, and respect for everyone around you, so that those living in fear of being misunderstood or unseen are reminded that their is a place for them in your circle.

BestSelf, Intention, Practice

Privileged, Present, and Pissed

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

January 27, 2017

- BestSelf, Intention, Practice

Remember this date: January 21st, 2017 – When an estimated 3.5-4.5 MILLION people showed up in 550 US cities and towns, and more than 100 towns overseas to participate in the Women’s March (source: The Atlantic, although numbers are still being reported and evaluated). Now, because it is an exceedingly difficult task to gather sound data on such a widespread event, from here on I will only be able to speak to my personal experience. I marched on 1/21/17 in Philadelphia alongside my family and friends. The experience was overwhelmingly positive. People were angry, they were vocal, but they were peaceful and pleasant. The majority of those I saw participating in Philadelphia were white women. From other accounts, this trend seemed to be the same across the board. It was a matter of hours before criticisms of the Women’s March were popping up online. Demographics. Imagery. Intention. Attitude. All are worth considering critically. Why were there so few people of color? Was the planning phase of the march exclusive and/or inaccessible? Why were there so few Transgender and gender non-conforming people? Was the use of female anatomical imagery exclusive? How much of a role did the hive-mind of social media play in the impressive attendance? Did those in attendance really think about what they were showing up to do? Of course, the sheer attendance itself left an impression, and if that impression is powerful enough to enact positive change… well, I’m tempted to say who cares what anyone’s intentions were?! Except… big except. This cannot be a one-off thing. We need change – real change – and its only increasing in demand with each day of the Trump Presidency. Protest and civil disobedience are the most public and visually powerful ways to express this need for change. But, the greatest amount of pressure isn’t on the (anecdotal) majority of those who attended the Women’s March. White women will certainly be impacted by Trump’s policies, actions, and hateful words, but our whiteness will always carry privilege in Trump’s America. For those that participated in the Women’s March because it was #trending, it will be all too easy to return to the day-to-day and not think about the state of current events again until the next #bigthing that floods their Facebook feed. They showed up at the Women’s March because it felt safe. Everyone else was doing it. I want to clarify that if you fall into this category, my intention is not to shame you. My intention is to call you back into action. You did an amazing thing by showing up on 1/21/17, now keep your momentum up! I know, I know… it’s exhausting. With no condescension, I know how exhausting it is. But you are in a position to do some real good, simply because you were privileged enough to be born white. So for the sake of playing devil’s advocate, why wouldn’t a white woman (such as myself) want to show up at, say, the next Black Lives Matter protest even though they support the movement? A threatened sense of safety. Right? It must be. We Society convinces ~~ourselves~~ us that it’s those kinds of protests that get violent. At those protests there are arrests and tear gas and anger. It’s far less civilized then then sea of pink pussy hats at the Women’s March. We want to support BLM, but our parents would be worried if we attended a Black Lives Matter protest, wouldn’t they? There is obviously a misconception here. You can’t make a sweeping statement that all events associated with a particular interest group get violent. You might be able to look at the probability of violence at one event versus another – but if you do, you have to consider the “why.” Could it be that Black Lives Matter/Socialist/Pride/etc. protests get violent because of the socially-constructed relationship between those in attendance and law enforcement/local politicians/people in power? Could it be that simply by showing up as a white woman, and being there as an ally, the chances of violence will actually decrease? That law enforcement is less likely to be activated by a mixed-race, mixed-gender, mixed-class congregation? To be perfectly blunt, could it be that as a young white American-born person, presenting as female, from an upper-middle class background, I am less likely to be shot by a police officer than my black male friend? Shouldn’t I stand at the front line and use that privilege to keep things from getting violent? (I am speaking to white men here, too, FYI). I understand that not everyone is comfortable with social activism, even if they are in alignment with a cause. If ever there was a time to put yourself in that uncomfortable place, it’s now. I understand that fear is all too real right here and now. There are ways to get involved that don’t put your physical being in immediate risk. Number one – Stay present to what is going on; educate yourself. And not just through the articles that pop up on your social media feeds. Number two – talk to people. And not just people who look and think like you do. Then, you choose. Take action in a way that works for you. Challenge your comfort level, though. Pick up the phone and call local representatives. Run for local office. Attend community meetings. Donate to an organization doing work you believe in, whether you donate time or money. Put yourself out there. Put yourself out there for the Love of those who are not so privileged. Get angry. Feel all the feels. Let the Fear overwhelm you. Then, take care of yourself (eat well, sleep lots, go to therapy, practice yoga, journal, and so on… this is a marathon, not a sprint) so that you can detach from that Fear and show up as your BestSelf for the Love of humanity.

BestSelf, Healing, Intention, Loving Kindness, Practice, Yoga

Consent and Hands-On Adjustments in the Yoga Classroom

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

August 3, 2016

- BestSelf, Healing, Intention, Loving Kindness, Practice, Yoga

“Throughout class I will offer hands-on adjustments, if you are open to receiving adjustments during your practice, [turn your palms to the ceiling] now, and if you prefer not to be touched, stay as you are.” I say the above, or something similar, towards the beginning of any yoga class I teach during which I intend to give students physical adjustments. To me, this doesn’t seem revolutionary. More and more, yoga instructors are being taught or coming to realize that it is important to ask permission before touching their students. Not everyone wants to be touched every day, and there is an enormous list of possibilities as to why that might be – injury, trauma, bad mood, distractions. I am not going to address those possibilities in any detail here, instead I will discuss consent. I have been asking my students’ permission before giving adjustments for about a year, but recently I have shifted to using the consent-based language above. Why? Thanks to a workshop with Gwen Soffer (Enso Yoga) and Melissa Lucchesi (Voices Inc.) my eyes were opened to the distinction of consent (see resources at the bottom of this post for more information). Consent is empowering. Consent allows you to say, “yes,” as emphatically as you want, so that you don’t have to say, “no,” with any emphasis (or panic). In a culture that is hyper-sensitive to political correctness, we have somehow neglected the importance of consent. The baseline assumption when you request anything of another person, should be that the answer will be “no.” I don’t say that to sound negative, I say that because unless they consent, unless they choose to answer “yes,” then you shouldn’t expect your request to be granted. In the US you are innocent until proven guilty, well, in this life your requests are denied until they are granted. When you are acting in relation to others – you need to ask – you can’t just act presumptuously. I mean… you can, but if you do, you’re probably being a privileged asshole. That being said, just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you will receive it. The baseline assumption when another person requests something of you, should NOT be that you are obligated to find a way to say “yes.” Saying “yes” doesn’t make you a better person, more generous, or cooler. Saying “yes” when you don’t want to is not only exhausting, but also, by saying “yes” when you don’t want to, you are surrendering your personal power. We tend to fall victim to social obligation, rather than practicing our right to consent. I truly believe there is no personal freedom greater than the power to give consent. So, back to the yoga classroom… Here are some of my thoughts about consent, lack thereof, and hands-on adjustments in class, based on my own personal experience as a student and a teacher. If a teacher asks permission before giving physical assists in any way, even without using consent-based language, I believe that is better than not asking at all. For example, I used to say, “Throughout class I will offer hands-on adjustments, if you prefer not to be touched [turn your palms to the ceiling] now.” This is almost the same as how I ask now, but it requires that those who do not want to be touched take action to opt out. This is not the same as giving consent. This assumes that everyone wants to be touched, except for those that don’t. It also puts those who are opting out in a potentially uncomfortable position. Similarly, I have also heard teachers mention at the start of class, “I will be giving assists during class, if anything feels uncomfortable, you are welcome to say no thank you.” Social obligation may drive students to accept unwanted assists, or to feel guilty about taking action to say “no.” It’s like walking around a party with a tray of hors d’oeuvres and handing them out to everyone instead of letting people choose to take one for themselves. All the party-goers take on that distinctly awkward body language as a deviled egg is shoved into their hand and they mumble, “oh, okay, thanks,” and then turn to their friend and say, “I really don’t want this,” and end up leaving it hidden in the foliage of the nearest houseplant. If a teacher only asks permission while in the process of giving an assist, I still believe that is better than not asking at all… but barely. The instructor’s hands are on the student and then they say, “does this feel okay?” In some cases, a student will reply “no,” but more often than not they just nod their head in agreement. I have to wonder how many students have grimaced through a painful or downright bad assist out of social obligation and a desire to placate their instructor. Finally, there are teachers who do not ask permission at all to give hands-on assists. Some of these instructors are my friends, and some are my teachers. I still choose to take many of their classes, but I am practiced in letting go of social obligation, setting my own boundaries, and saying “no,” and that is not the case with most students. Some of the reasons I have heard to justify giving hands-on assists without asking permission include:

Two fold…
1. “If a student comes to my class, they know they will be adjusted.” What about new students? What about students you know but have a new injury, or are in a bad mood, or just want their freakin’ space today? I can tell you from my own experience that there are certain teachers that I know will adjust me if I am in class, and when I am having a day that I don’t want to be touched, I don’t go to their class.
2. “If they don’t want to be adjusted, they can just go to a different class.” Sigh. Well, shit.
“I can just sense whether someone wants to be touched or not. I can sense their energy.” Even the most wonderful, in tune, energetically aware instructors have been blinded by their own ego and presumptions and given me assists that were unwanted. That is, before I learned to say “no.” Please please please, instructors, keep your ego in check on this one.
“I’ve been teaching for so long, I’m not going to change the way I do things now.” Well that’s just a stupid excuse. The yoga practice is one of self-awareness and personal growth. If you have decided that you will continue to not ask permission before giving adjustments, fine, but at least come up with a justifiable reason.

I ask my instructor friends to join me in questioning why we approach adjustments in the way that we do. Is it our place to give hands-on assists? Should we ask for permission, and if so, how/when? What is the real purpose behind each and every assist? When might we be causing more harm than good? How much of how we view assists is our own stuff/ego? What might we be putting on our students? How can we best serve every student who walks into our classes? Historically, this conversation has gotten pretty heated. It is difficult to consider that we might be harming our students or making them uncomfortable when we have the best of intentions. Just try to take the time to reflect on consent-based physical assists. Whether or not it resonates with you as a teacher or practitioner, I believe that we owe it to our students. The teacher-student dynamic inherently has a power hierarchy, and as teachers, we need to take every precaution not to strip our students of their personal power. Consent is a personal freedom. Let’s give it back to our students.

Click the Links Below for More Resources: Affirmative Consent Arrives in Yoga Studios Permission Stones Trauma Informed Lens – Gwen Soffer and Melissa Lucchesi

Thinking about trying Yoga? Show Up.

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

April 5, 2016

- BestSelf, Honesty, Practice, Yoga

As a yoga teacher, people reach out to me on a daily basis to mention they are curious about yoga, or to ask how to begin a practice, or which studios and teachers to try, etc. Which is AWESOME!! It seems that more and more people are interested in yoga each day, which fills my heart. The most difficult, exciting, and exhilarating chapter of a yoga Practice is the beginning. But… No one can convince you to try yoga unless you already want to, not even me. I have to constantly remind myself that it isn’t because so-and-so doesn’t care about or support me that they don’t try – or, try and then dedicate themselves to – yoga. The practice of yoga finds us each at the right time (or it re-finds us and sticks the second/third/fourth time). At the start, you will most likely be the only person holding yourself accountable for showing up to your mat. And to be successful, you need to know why you are showing up. This is what I ask those who reach out to me… Why do you want to try yoga? Answers might include (in no particular order):

mitigate chronic pain
exercise within the limits of an injury
gain flexibility
gain strength
learn the poses
learn to breathe
learn to meditate
improve sleep
improve posture
alleviate depression/anxiety/mental dis-ease
feel empowered
cultivate self-love
de-stress/calm/center
cultivate compassion/patience for others
gain community
make time for Self
heal

Or any combination of the above… All of that’s great, there is no wrong answer! Yoga can help with that! That desire is the first step, and an important one to acknowledge… But, I hate to break it to you – yoga is not a quick fix. There are no quick fixes in life anyway, not really. I’ll say it again: Yoga is not a quick fix. Time for some tough love… If you want to ______________ by practicing yoga, you have to Show Up every* day. Every fucking day. Especially the days that hurt; the days when you cry because you don’t want to Show Up. The days when you think, “no one but me will know that I didn’t go,” are the days you need to hold yourself accountable the most. If you were hoping for a quick fix, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but don’t be discouraged. Do the best you can. Show up *every day that you can, and show up as your BestSelf. It’s not going to be easy, but soon (maybe this month, season, or year) you will forget about whatever it is you came to “fix” in the first place, I promise. Some people feel a special spark, a pull, you could even say they feel magic, when they take their first yoga class. If that is your experience, then you are more likely to Show Up again… But if it isn’t, you have to have Faith. The first time I stepped onto my mat there was no magic… It was when it became a habit – a Practice – that I was transformed. Don’t be afraid to Show Up. Reach out to a teacher you know, or a nearby studio about offerings for beginners. Ask me! Ask anyone willing to help you find what is best for you! Ask for what you need! Just ask. You will be supported. There is a whole amazing community out there waiting to meet you at the edge of your comfort zone. There might even be a whole amazing and totally unknown piece of yourBestSelf waiting to meet you, too. The only piece of etiquette you need to know before your first yoga class: Show Up & Keep Showing Up.

Asking for What I Need

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

February 9, 2016

- BestSelf, Honesty, Intention, Practice

I am a people-pleaser, a giver, a compromiser… and these are all things that I am proud of. I give a lot to the people I care about, and I don’t like saying “no” to their needs and desires. I have heard my loved ones denied too many times to compound that negativity. Caring for others and giving to them – out of Love – brings me the most joy. But, when it comes to asking others for what I need, I am often afraid. I am afraid to hear “no.” I am afraid to be needy. I am afraid to be weak. I am afraid to want. Don’t get me wrong, when I have to, I stand my ground. I can be stubborn. I know how to set boundaries and stick to them. But, when I want a little thing… I am afraid it is too trivial. I am afraid to ask for it. I tell myself it is just a little thing anyways, and I try to let it go. I want so badly to always be content, that when I find myself needing/wanting something, I try and reframe and erase that desire, for the sake of contentment. Fake it ’til you make it, right? Wrong. The thing is… Fear adds up. And it adds up quickly. For every little want or need that is suppressed, Fear increases exponentially. Sometimes (like this weekend) I find myself in the arms of my partner, starting to fall apart because I have given so much at work, socially, energetically, romantically… and haven’t asked for what I need. I am grateful that he holds me accountable and reminds me… In these moments, I am so afraid to ask for what I need, that I am already defeated. In my mind, there is no chance of getting a “yes” in response, and I just give up. Don’t Give Up. Ask. “Can you help me with ______?” “Will you stop what you are doing and talk to me?” “Can you give me some space?” “Will you be on time?” “Can you set aside time just for me?” “Will you let me know ______ ahead of time?” “Can you tell me what to expect?” Sometimes the answer will be “no” and sometimes it will be “yes.” That’s the prerogative of whomever I am asking. It is my responsibility to communicate my needs, and not to give up before the question is even posed, just because I am afraid to ask it. For the Love of me, for the Love of my relationships with my friends, family, and coworkers – I must ask for what I need. That is why I wear this reminder on my wrist. No matter how much time I devote to the idea – Love over Fear – I still need the reminder. If you see me falter, you can remind me too. Love first.

BestSelf, Mind, Practice, Yoga

5 things Yoga has taught me about MySelf

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

November 12, 2015

- BestSelf, Mind, Practice, Yoga

In the classes I teach during the month of November, I am asking my students to focus their intentions on gratitude. Each week, we approach gratitude from a slightly different angle. This week, I ask students to identify one quality about themselves for which they feel grateful. I ask them to share and reaffirm that quality using the identifier “I am ________.” I have been so inspired by my students answers. By how they own up to their most awesome qualities. By their Self-Love, Self-Compassion, and Self-Gratitude. It got me thinking about myself and my Yoga Practice, and how the practice has made me realize some really great things about MySelf.

1. I am strong.

You would think that growing up an athlete and an academic I would have always felt strong in body and mind. Not the case. I often felt weak. ~~Not~~ strong enough. ~~Not~~ smart enough. ~~Not~~ resilient enough. Like I wouldn’t make it… through the day, the workout, the race, the season, the essay, the course, the school year… you name it, I doubted my strength. Yoga gave me the time and space to realize just how strong I am, and how strong I have been to endure. There is no right answer in a yoga posture, and there is no ideal form. There is only an opportunity to test your edge physically and mentally, and gain strength in a practice that is all your own.

2. I am enough.

See above: “~~Not~~ strong enough. ~~Not~~ smart enough. ~~Not~~ resilient enough.” I get hung up on ~~not~~ being enough. Enough. The Yoga Sutras ask us to practice Santosa – Contentment, or as I like to think of it, Enough-ness. I am that. I am beautiful enough. talented enough. compassionate enough. funny enough. artistic enough. unique enough. thin enough. loved enough. loving enough. happy enough. independent enough. content enough.

3. I am a good listener.

I wasn’t always. Yoga made me slow down. It made me start listening to MySelf – the breath, the body, the mood, the thoughts. One day, amidst my practice, I found myself wondering how I could have not been hearing MySelf for so long. If I hadn’t truly been hearing my own self, had I really been listening to anyone else, either? I decided to give listening a try. I realized just how much I could learn if I listened to others. And I started listening. If you don’t already, start really listening to people when they talk (and even when they’re silent), and your world will change.

4. I am a believer.

I am not sure what God is. I am not sure what stories are true. I just know that I believe in something, and that I began to find that something on my yoga mat. And since, I have recognized discrete divine moments throughout my life’s experiences. Grace. Divinity. Light. Love.

5. I am okay with being vulnerable.

Yoga made me willing to accept who I am. MySelf. MyBestSelf and My~~Not~~BestSelf. Once I accepted myself, I was willing to share myself… Stories from my past. Thoughts from my present. Wishes for my future. The way I see it, my purpose is to connect to others, and I can’t do that without being vulnerable. I grow more comfortable and grounded in my own vulnerability each day. What has your yoga practice taught you about yourself? Or, which of your qualities are you most grateful for?