birth, doula, Healing, Honesty, Intention
On Births That Bring Light to Dark Spaces
Yesterday, on the day of the Winter Solstice, I attended what will (probably) be my last birth of 2018. On the darkest day of the year, baby made their entrance into the world right at sunrise. On the darkest day of the year, this baby brought the light. The poetry of that moment prompted me to reflect on other births I have witnessed that also brought light to dark spaces, and the qualities that these births shared.
For lack of more suitable language, these are the births that, “went well.” What do I mean by that?
I mean that these births had the best possible outcome – and no, the best possible outcome is not just “healthy baby, healthy [parent.]” I also don’t mean (necessarily) that their were no deviations from their “birth plans.”
When I say that a birth went well, or had the best possible outcome, I mean that the parent(s) walked away from the experience with a deeper trust and understanding of their own power and intuition. They didn’t feel betrayed or shamed by their bodies, or care providers.
The light that these births brought to the dark reality of the overwhelmingly broken perinatal care system is twofold – first, the birthing person deeply and truly believed in their capacity to give birth; and second, they were able to cultivate a safe space for their labor experience.
The belief in ones capacity to give birth is something that can be grown over time. It is normal to have some doubts, especially for first time parents or parents who are carrying trauma from past births. It is crucial to find a way to alchemize that doubt into deep belief. The process by which that is done looks different for everyone but follows a similar pattern – unlearn what you think you know, in order to make space to remember your inherent wisdom. That is the way folks find their way to a deep belief in and trust of birth.
In order to build a safe container for their birth experience, individuals who had the best possible birth outcomes prepared mentally, emotionally, and physically for birth. They unpacked their own narratives surrounding birth and their bodies, and when they were in partnerships, invited their partner to do the same. There was a willingness to dive into the uncomfortable that was a central theme of the weeks, months, or sometimes even years leading up to birth. Finally, they considered and understood the importance of choosing a care provider and labor team who supported their goals, and whom they trusted.
It was nothing other than that well established sense of safety and trust that ultimately allowed them to stay focused throughout labor – to stay on what I fondly refer to as, “planet labor,” a mystical brain space that exists outside of analytic thought, emotion, and even bodily sensation and connection.
Let’s not misunderstand, of the births I witnessed where these elements were present – safety, believe, and trust – there was still intensity. The experience still shook the birthing person to their core. They may still live pieces of those memories over and over again until they process and heal from the pain and intensity of it all. There may still be trauma that they carry. There may still be injury. There may still be disappointments.
But, by doing the work to ready themselves for the transformative experience of giving birth, they will have set the scaffolding needed to build themselves back up after birth. They will walk away from their birth experience stronger and more aware. They may still carry doubts, but they will be practiced in the process of unlearning and remembering their inherent wisdom. They will understand that the only way out is through, and they will heal in their own time and in their own way.
To my clients, thank you for showing up for yourselves in this way, and allowing me to stand alongside you and witness your power. You are the light and love that makes this deep, dark, sometimes fear-laden work worth returning to over and over again.
