As I sit down to write this, I wonder how to even begin. I wonder if I even should begin, since I am still feeling a lot of anger. I am not feeling love. I am feeling confused, frustrated, and conflicted. With the help of powerful teachers and a strong community, over the past few years it has become very evident to me that part of my role in this life is two-fold: 1) To be an advocate for those who aren’t always seen or heard, when it is appropriate, necessary, and wanted. (To clarify, here I am referring specifically to peer advocacy – taking action to represent the rights and interests of someone other than myself). 2) And when it isn’t an appropriate time to advocate for others, for one of many possible reasons… To be compassionate towards all people/beings/things, and to acknowledge the diversity of those whom I share this life with. This is still new for me, and it is something I am learning to express effectively, so bear with me. Right now I am struggling with the difference between the two folds of this role. When should I, and when I shouldn’t I, take a stand for others? When should I back down? Is it always going to feel right when I do take a stand? Conflict is an ever-present element in advocacy. I, like many others, do not like conflict. Conflict doesn’t make me feel good, but it is sometimes necessary. What spurred this reflection? Facebook. Ugh. An argument on Facebook that I instigated in response to an insensitive post by someone not very close to me, but still connected to me. I wasn’t looking for a fight – at least not consciously. To instigate, I simply asked what I thought to be a provocative question, one that might at least cause the person to consider compassion as an option. And, like most Facebook arguments, it got way out of hand from there. While the details of the arguments made on each side aren’t relevant here (although they are still infuriating to me), I do think it is important to note the topic of the conversation: The use of public bathrooms by individuals who identify as transgender. I identify as queer, in that I feel that my gender and sexuality lie outside of the norms set by our society… But, I at this point in my life I do not think of myself as transgender. So as soon as this argument blew up, my first question was: “Was this an appropriate time for me to advocate for this group of people?” Well, maybe not. I mean, no one asked me to stand up for them in that moment. No one asked for my voice. I was triggered by the insensitivity I saw nonetheless, and I felt moved to say something. To me, this looked like an argument about fear and love. So maybe it was an appropriate time? I am still unsure. This argument, which had a lifespan of over two weeks, ended with me stepping down. It was clear that I was not going to make any headway or change this person’s opinion in the slightest. So I unfollowed the post, and removed the person’s posts from my newsfeed. If we couldn’t agree to disagree, I figured that was amicable enough. I was wrong… this individual continued to send me unsolicited information regarding their position, and each message sent contained increasingly hateful language, so I blocked them completely. Should I have said anything in the first place? Should I have backed down once I did? Why am I still so angry? I am mostly writing this in the hopes to release some of that anger, but I welcome any productive conversation surrounding the questions I am left with.
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As a yoga teacher, people reach out to me on a daily basis to mention they are curious about yoga, or to ask how to begin a practice, or which studios and teachers to try, etc. Which is AWESOME!! It seems that more and more people are interested in yoga each day, which fills my heart. The most difficult, exciting, and exhilarating chapter of a yoga Practice is the beginning. But… No one can convince you to try yoga unless you already want to, not even me. I have to constantly remind myself that it isn’t because so-and-so doesn’t care about or support me that they don’t try – or, try and then dedicate themselves to – yoga. The practice of yoga finds us each at the right time (or it re-finds us and sticks the second/third/fourth time). At the start, you will most likely be the only person holding yourself accountable for showing up to your mat. And to be successful, you need to know why you are showing up. This is what I ask those who reach out to me… Why do you want to try yoga? Answers might include (in no particular order):
  • mitigate chronic pain
  • exercise within the limits of an injury
  • gain flexibility
  • gain strength
  • learn the poses
  • learn to breathe
  • learn to meditate
  • improve sleep
  • improve posture
  • alleviate depression/anxiety/mental dis-ease
  • feel empowered
  • cultivate self-love
  • de-stress/calm/center
  • cultivate compassion/patience for others
  • gain community
  • make time for Self
  • heal
Or any combination of the above… All of that’s great, there is no wrong answer! Yoga can help with that! That desire is the first step, and an important one to acknowledge… But, I hate to break it to you – yoga is not a quick fix. There are no quick fixes in life anyway, not really. I’ll say it again: Yoga is not a quick fix. Time for some tough love… If you want to ______________ by practicing yoga, you have to Show Up every* day. Every fucking day. Especially the days that hurt; the days when you cry because you don’t want to Show Up. The days when you think, “no one but me will know that I didn’t go,” are the days you need to hold yourself accountable the most. If you were hoping for a quick fix, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but don’t be discouraged. Do the best you can. Show up *every day that you can, and show up as your BestSelf. It’s not going to be easy, but soon (maybe this month, season, or year) you will forget about whatever it is you came to “fix” in the first place, I promise. Some people feel a special spark, a pull, you could even say they feel magic, when they take their first yoga class. If that is your experience, then you are more likely to Show Up again… But if it isn’t, you have to have Faith. The first time I stepped onto my mat there was no magic… It was when it became a habit – a Practice – that I was transformed. Don’t be afraid to Show Up. Reach out to a teacher you know, or a nearby studio about offerings for beginners. Ask me! Ask anyone willing to help you find what is best for you! Ask for what you need! Just ask. You will be supported. There is a whole amazing community out there waiting to meet you at the edge of your comfort zone. There might even be a whole amazing and totally unknown piece of yourBestSelf waiting to meet you, too. The only piece of etiquette you need to know before your first yoga class: Show Up & Keep Showing Up.
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It is a beautiful day in Philadelphia, and I decided to walk the mile-and-a-half home from the regional rail station through North Philly, instead of taking the subway. I had every intention of using the time to mentally prepare to get home and edit writing I had already done so that I could share it, and instead, I was inspired to consider and write about something new. I don’t have a car. And I’m afraid to bike on the city streets. So, I get around on foot and by using public transportation. And it’s worth mentioning right off the bat that I am new to city life. Sexual harassment is an every day occurrence for me. And one that I can’t help but notice and process. Sidebar: If you have found this and it is hard for you to understand why street harassment is not an acceptable way to interact with others, perhaps you are thinking what’s the big deal, anyways? Or, how do you even define street harassment? I encourage you to seek the wealth of both experiential and research-based information on this problematic behavior. Or, reach out to me individually. It is not my goal in this piece of writing to address this multi-faceted issue in great depth, but I hope you choose to explore it and form your own opinions. Here are my thoughts on street harassment today…. At the start of recovery from my sexual assault, everyone I passed – especially men, especially in uncrowded areas – registered as a predator to me. I was afraid of everything and everyone. It was a visceral, survival-based, gut-wrenching experience of fear. Even passing someone who looked at me, who did nothing more than witness my physical form, felt like harassment. If someone were to catcall me, or comment on my appearance, it would just about always end in panic, and usually tears. I felt no ownership over my body. I hadn’t confronted the reality of my story, my shadow, and I felt helplessly weak. At this time I was living in the suburbs… I can’t even imagine how I would have recovered my sanity if I had lived in the city then. Years of healing later, and months ago… When I first moved to the city, harassment was much more triggering for me than it is now. I was in the process of uprooting and re-grounding my life, and as I have found my roots here my sensitivity has decreased. I’d like to think this isn’t just because I’m becoming jaded, though I’m sure that plays its part. As a woman… a young woman** living in Philadelphia, there is no way to avoid street harassment. Not only are there simply more people in the city, but this kind of harassment is also culturally accepted here. And the more time you spend on foot, particularly in neighborhoods outside of the Center City District, the more you will be exposed to it. When I moved to the city this fall, I was prepared to brace myself and just ignore the calls and comments that I knew were inevitable. Easier said than done. In my case, I couldn’t help having a physical reaction to harassment – a little jump, increase in heart rate, nervous sweat… It wasn’t nearly as intense as it was years ago, but definitely jarring. I’ll just put my headphones in and listen to music instead, I thought. Then I realized how much more unsafe I felt (and was) when I was unable to hear my surroundings. So I started putting in my headphones but not playing any music. Maybe men won’t harass me if they think I can’t hear them. Wrong. Now they weren’t always talking directly to me, I just got to hear the disgusting ways they objectified my body out loud to themselves and their friends. Next, I found ways to avoid areas/times that I discovered I was more likely to be called out. This was a reasonable solution, but sometimes meant taking a cab or uber… a pricey solution to avoiding fear. (It’s worth noting here that I am not talking about avoiding actual danger, in which case, YES I would always pay for a ride and take measures to stay safe. I have never felt that I was in a truly unsafe area or situation, just unpleasant and uncomfortable). Over the past several months, I have made it a practice to confront the fear of walking alone and being the object of harassment. I confront this fear not just out of necessity to function and get around the city, but for the sake of confronting it. Today, as I walked through North Philadelphia, I noticed a real change in my experience with street harassment. I felt was fearless, but aware. I had no bodily reaction to the men who addressed me in an unwelcome and inappropriate way. I didn’t feel a noose of anxiety closing around me, or hear the voice in my head that used to tell me all the ways another person might be about to harm me. Why? Here’s what I think has shifted for me… I am in control of my body. I feel ownership over my body. It no longer feels like my body, because of its size, shape, sex, gender, race, or any other projected quality is powerless. This is a new normal. Maybe this is where becoming jaded comes in. Or maybe, it’s just learning to self-regulate in a new environment. I am able to see the good in others. I don’t see predators walking towards me down the sidewalk. I see beings capable of Truth, Love, and Kindness. I see people whom I want to know, even if only through a moment of eye contact or a smile, not people I want to run from.  I recognize that in my fear I was projecting negative assumptions on others – and while sometimes warranted, at their root these assumptions were still unfair. So today I walked past the unwelcome commentary with Fearlessness, open ears, a high head, and no waver in my stride. And with those who addressed me with Kindness, I connected through Love.       **I believe that factors such as sex, gender, age, race, appearance, etc. play into this narrative, but am not prepared to discuss their role in a educated and informed way. If anyone reading this post would like to engage in constructive conversation surrounding diversity and street harassment in a large city, I encourage you to reach out to me personally via the contact section of my site. I would welcome and appreciate an appropriate forum to explore this topic.  
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When did I become a Woman? It’s not that today was the first time I saw these curves staring back at me, naked in the mirror. But today was the first time I loved them.   …Even the belt of softness around my hips. …Even the hole above my belly button where a piercing used to adorn. …Even the dimples on my thighs.   And I asked…   When did I become a Woman? It wasn’t the first time I bled. Or had sex. Or made love. But, the first time I lucidly dreamt of my own child suckling at my breast.   When did I become a Woman? It wasn’t when I was raped. Or harassed. Or heartbroken. Or hurt. But, when I was willing to admit I had been victimized.   When did I become a Woman? It wasn’t when I fell in love with a man or a woman. But, when I had the gall to own my fluid sexuality.   When did I become a Woman? It wasn’t when I put on a dress. Or a bra. Or had a manicure. But, when I felt beautifully human.   When did I become a Woman? It wasn’t when I learned about feminism in school. Or history. Or was rallied by my friends. But, when I realized on my own as I sat reading current events just how much the movement meant to me.   When did I become a Woman? When I realized I was graced by power not weakness. When I chose to be a Woman.    
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I am a people-pleaser, a giver, a compromiser… and these are all things that I am proud of. I give a lot to the people I care about, and I don’t like saying “no” to their needs and desires. I have heard my loved ones denied too many times to compound that negativity.   Caring for others and giving to them – out of Love – brings me the most joy. But, when it comes to asking others for what I need, I am often afraid.   I am afraid to hear “no.” I am afraid to be needy. I am afraid to be weak. I am afraid to want. Don’t get me wrong, when I have to, I stand my ground. I can be stubborn. I know how to set boundaries and stick to them. But, when I want a little thing… I am afraid it is too trivial. I am afraid to ask for it. I tell myself it is just a little thing anyways, and I try to let it go. I want so badly to always be content, that when I find myself needing/wanting something, I try and reframe and erase that desire, for the sake of contentment. Fake it ’til you make it, right? Wrong.   The thing is… Fear adds up. And it adds up quickly. For every little want or need that is suppressed, Fear increases exponentially. Sometimes (like this weekend) I find myself in the arms of my partner, starting to fall apart because I have given so much at work, socially, energetically, romantically… and haven’t asked for what I need. I am grateful that he holds me accountable and reminds me… In these moments, I am so afraid to ask for what I need, that I am already defeated. In my mind, there is no chance of getting a “yes” in response, and I just give up. Don’t Give Up. Ask. “Can you help me with ______?” “Will you stop what you are doing and talk to me?” “Can you give me some space?” “Will you be on time?” “Can you set aside time just for me?” “Will you let me know ______ ahead of time?” “Can you tell me what to expect?”   Sometimes the answer will be “no” and sometimes it will be “yes.” That’s the prerogative of whomever I am asking. It is my responsibility to communicate my needs, and not to give up before the question is even posed, just because I am afraid to ask it. For the Love of me, for the Love of my relationships with my friends, family, and coworkers – I must ask for what I need. That is why I wear this reminder on my wrist. No matter how much time I devote to the idea – Love over Fear – I still need the reminder. If you see me falter, you can remind me too. Love first.
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I am an over-thinker who surrounds myself with other over-thinkers. My best friends and I can play devil’s advocate for hours. We frame and reframe whatever subject is at hand until we’ve turned over every inch of it twice. Particularly when it comes to the tough stuff, the things that challenge us, we find ways to twist and reevaluate our perceptions until there is some feeling of mental clarity and direction. Recently, I had a conversation with a fellow over-thinker about Fact and Truth.

Merriam-Webster:

Fact 

:something that truly exists or happens : something that has actual existence

: a true piece of information

Truth

the truth : the real facts about something : the things that are true

: the quality or state of being true

: a statement or idea that is true or accepted as true


The conversation began with my friend challenging the validity of “new-agey” “healing” practices like reiki, crystal healing, and the likes. As someone who believes a little bit of everything, my response was, “if it can’t hurt, and it might help, then why not try? Why not try if the practitioner believes in it?” I continued by expressing my distrust for what science posits as Fact… particularly when it comes to personal health. Without getting too heated about it, here’s a simple example: Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Only eat the egg white. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you.  We can give antibiotics to the chickens and get better eggs. Don’t eat eggs from chickens treated with antibiotics. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Free-range eggs are healthier for you. Free-range eggs aren’t any healthier. Free-range eggs are better for the animals. Free-range doesn’t really give the animals “free range.”  Free-range eggs are worse for the environment. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Use applesauce instead of egg when you are baking. Vata Dosha should eat eggs. Flax egg is a good vegan egg substitute. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are bad for you. Annnnnyyyyways… Fact. People – your neighbor, the media, your doctor, your nutritionist, your Ayurvedic specialist – some more knowledgable than others, tell us any of the above as Fact. “Well…. I still think there are some things that are just Fact,” my friend said as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.  Maybe there are, but maybe we have bastardized the meaning of Fact. If a Fact is something we are offered by any of the above specialists, then Fact is biased. Fact is experiential. Fact is personal. Fact is somewhere between belief and Truth. Truth. Truth, then, is objective. Truth is unbiased. Often, Truth isn’t spoken. It isn’t over-thought. People don’t write click-bait articles about Truth (although they may write philosophical dissertations). It is just known. Truth applies to every experience. Or… maybe I’m just over-thinking this. 
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BestSelf, Mind, Practice, Yoga
In the classes I teach during the month of November, I am asking my students to focus their intentions on gratitude. Each week, we approach gratitude from a slightly different angle. This week, I ask students to identify one quality about themselves for which they feel grateful. I ask them to share and reaffirm that quality using the identifier “I am ________.” I have been so inspired by my students answers. By how they own up to their most awesome qualities. By their Self-Love, Self-Compassion, and Self-Gratitude. It got me thinking about myself and my Yoga Practice, and how the practice has made me realize some really great things about MySelf.

1. I am strong.

You would think that growing up an athlete and an academic I would have always felt strong in body and mind. Not the case. I often felt weak. Not strong enough. Not smart enough. Not resilient enough. Like I wouldn’t make it… through the day, the workout, the race, the season, the essay, the course, the school year… you name it, I doubted my strength.  Yoga gave me the time and space to realize just how strong I am, and how strong I have been to endure. There is no right answer in a yoga posture, and there is no ideal form. There is only an opportunity to test your edge physically and mentally, and gain strength in a practice that is all your own.

2. I am enough. 

See above: “Not strong enough. Not smart enough. Not resilient enough.” I get hung up on not being enough. Enough. The Yoga Sutras ask us to practice Santosa – Contentment, or as I like to think of it, Enough-ness. I am that. I am beautiful enough. talented enough. compassionate enough. funny enough. artistic enough. unique enough. thin enough. loved enough. loving enough. happy enough. independent enough. content enough.

3. I am a good listener. 

I wasn’t always. Yoga made me slow down. It made me start listening to MySelf – the breath, the body, the mood, the thoughts. One day, amidst my practice, I found myself wondering how I could have not been hearing MySelf for so long. If I hadn’t truly been hearing my own self, had I really been listening to anyone else, either? I decided to give listening a try.  I realized just how much I could learn if I listened to others. And I started listening. If you don’t already, start really listening to people when they talk (and even when they’re silent), and your world will change.

4. I am a believer. 

I am not sure what God is. I am not sure what stories are true. I just know that I believe in something, and that I began to find that something on my yoga mat. And since, I have recognized discrete divine moments throughout my life’s experiences. Grace. Divinity. Light. Love.

5. I am okay with being vulnerable.

Yoga made me willing to accept who I am. MySelf. MyBestSelf and MyNotBestSelf. Once I accepted myself, I was willing to share myself… Stories from my past. Thoughts from my present. Wishes for my future. The way I see it, my purpose is to connect to others, and I can’t do that without being vulnerable. I grow more comfortable and grounded in my own vulnerability each day.   What has your yoga practice taught you about yourself? Or, which of your qualities are you most grateful for? 
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If you see a rose, do you greet it? If you see the sun rise, do you notice? Love is a contradiction. it is space, and closeness. it is sharing, and being separate. it is passion, and realism. it is romantic, and platonic. it is companionship. partnership. All the while recognizing each moment’s fluidity. Love is dependable and unpredictable. it is strong, and fragile. it is gendered, and androgynous. it has divine timing, and comes and the wrong moment. it heals, and it harms. Sees the light, and the shadow. Love is pride and adoration. it is honest and unconditional. it is is patient, willing to wait, and willing to be disappointed. it cares for you when you’re sick. it makes you laugh, and cry. Challenges, and it supports. Love is not codependency, projections, delusion, or infatuation. Love does not expect. Love does not judge. Love is deep connection to Self and beyond. Even when blessed with love we are tempted hold out for something greater. an ideal. a form. a half to a whole. a silence to the questions and contradictions. a balance. Resist temptation. We have love. We are loved. But only with open eyes and minds free of fear. If you see a rose, do you greet it? If you see the sun rise, do you notice?
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I have been feeling extremely vulnerable lately. Adjusting to the unforeseen change in my plans has not been easy – and I knew it wouldn’t be. What I didn’t realize was that in order to get my life settled once again, I would be putting myself in a place of extreme vulnerability. In order to meet basic needs – work, housing, food, community – I must be vulnerable. Making new connections, asking for help, applying for jobs… all come at the risk of judgement and rejection. I am learning that vulnerability is an emotional vampire. When I choose to make myself vulnerable, I am choosing to surrender most of my emotional energy and intelligence to those moments of vulnerability. So, in reaching out to new people in an attempt to make the connections that will help me feel settled in this chapter of my life, I am surrendering much of what I usually have in store to give to others. I have seen the effects of this in my personal relationships. After a day (or many days) of making new connections through emails, phone calls, and meetings, I am tired, disinterested, irritable, and I just don’t have a lot left to give to the people I love. I need their support more than ever, and I’m too exhausted to keep open myself to it. I’ve noticed this becoming a problem. Now what do I do about it? How do I budget my vulnerability? I will start by being more conscious of it. Limit the amount of time and energy I give to putting myself out there each day. Increase the amount of time and energy I give to myself each day. And – fingers crossed – in doing so, I will have more love and openness to share with those that matter most to me. Give less of myself, in order to give more of myself. I love Danielle LaPorte, and am a big fan of her #truthbomb cards. They’re kind of like Tarot cards, but way easier to understand. Still, there is room for interpretation. Yesterday I pulled the card “Do the fucking work.” How fitting. I’m struggling to settle in, feeling vulnerable, exposed, and like all my own stuff is coming to the surface of my relationships. All the stuff that it is my work to sort through. Do the work. The work. The work doesn’t mean “work” insofar as an exchange of time and effort for money. The work is precisely what you don’t want to do. The work is exactly what you need to do, for the sake of your very core Being. The work is growth. The work is hard. The work means moments of intense pain in exchange for extreme freedom. Do. The. Fucking. Work. Do the work, Jenna. Be your BestSelf. That’s why you’re here, right? Intention is everything. I intend to do the work. Here’s to facing vulnerability and not shutting down emotionally. It will all be settled soon. If vulnerability is a vampire, what do you think its garlic is? Maybe I’ll stock up on some of that, too. (photo credit: Danielle LaPorte)
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There is a very fine balance between Forgiveness and Ego. The fact that we view Forgiveness as something that we ‘grant’, we ‘bestow’, we ‘give’… is enough to prove how closely it is connected to Ego. It isn’t often that I hold a grudge, but recently I found myself harboring resentment, and I realized my own Ego was the source of struggle. Ego tells us that we are better than, that we deserve better, and that we are right. Ego never plays devil’s advocate, never tries to see the other side, and never tries to let go. Our Ego is what prevents us from accepting an apology. It’s that voice whispering in the back of your mind that tells you someone’s apology wasn’t quite right. Maybe their apology showed that they don’t truly understand what they did to hurt you, and Ego says that’s just not good enough. Can you blame Ego? Ego just doesn’t want us to hurt. Forgiveness accepts hurt, lives with it, and moves on. That’s not to say that Forgiveness is a one and done deal. You can’t just say, “I forgive you,” and step back to watch all of the resentment and hurt magically fizzle away. Forgiveness is a conscious decision to look into the face of the one who hurt you, and see the love that is there, even especially in the moments when what they did creeps back into your heart and mind. It’s a decision to put Ego on the backburner, to step down from the idea that you deserve better. Because at the end of the day, whomever hurt you was doing the best they could. Not only in the moment that they wronged you, but also in the moment that they tried to apologize for it. And yes, maybe their best was shitty… but in that moment, it was their best. We can’t reasonably ask anyone for more than their best. However, the knowledge that people are doing their best in any given moment can quickly become an excuse for others. Forgiveness is not always deserved. Sometimes the other person’s best is just not good enough. Sometimes, Ego is right – you do deserve better, and you were right. You should protect yourself and move on in life without whoever caused you hurt. Ego serves a very important purpose. All I am suggesting is that when holding a grudge, we should consider playing devil’s advocate, even if only for a moment, and teeter on that tightrope between Ego and Forgiveness. Sometimes you will find that Ego is right, and your grudge will stand. Other times, you will find it in you to put a damper on your own Ego, and make the conscious choice to continuously grant Forgiveness. Forgiveness makes us vulnerable – and it may make us wobble – but when it is deserved, Forgiveness has the power to set things back in balance.
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