Toeing a Critical Line

September 1, 2016

- Honesty, Intention, Mind, Miscellaneous

As the the child of an academic, and a student of the liberal arts, I hold in high esteem the ability to think critically… And, (as a Being doing my very best to appreciate this life incarnate) I also desperately try to avoid harsh, unjust, unnecessary, pessimistic criticism of the world of around me. Where is the line between critical thinking and plain old criticism, and how do we toe it gracefully? At the very core of critical thought, there is a need to find fault, and a need to tap into negativity. If we are to analyze a work of art, a scientific study, or a political policy, we need to be able to see both the good and the bad. In my childhood home, and in the classrooms I have been privileged to study in, I was praised for criticism. I was praised for looking at the world presented before me and finding its faults. I was praised for being able to see these faults, mull them over, explain them in depth, focus on them, and (only sometimes) offer a solution to them. All the while, I was also being conditioned to see the world through a particular lens, with a particular set of biases. This complex relationship to critical thought made me believe that there was always a right and wrong answer; that critical thinking is objective. Wrong (ha! there I go again). We criticize based on what we perceive. Perception is subjective. I don’t know about others, but I am not convinced that this very important point was made clear to me during my days as a university student: critical thinking is founded on subjectivity. The practice of critical thinking, of criticism, once came with rewards; now, it comes with struggle. Perhaps others can relate to this experience. I look back, and think about where this landed me. On one hand, I am well educated, employed, able, and articulate. On the other hand, I feel stuck in a rushing flood of negativity, against which I am tirelessly swimming upstream. How do I hold true to my identity on both sides? How do I continue to challenge my environment, to be an agent of change – for certainly we have to think critically in order to have the necessary direction to enact change – and yet, still remain optimistic, positive, and Light? How to survive? I need my critical thinking skills to avoid falling victim to the fear and dis-ease of the modern world. I also need an optimistic spirit, an ability to see the best, not the worst, in order to remain sane… even happy. Criticism, like all negativity, has its roots in Fear. We decide that something is wrong, that it is faulty, because somewhere deep down we fear what our reality would be if it were true. 2+2 = 22?! Wrong! If that were true the very Earth would crumble beneath my feet! (And this doesn’t mean that 2+2 does, in fact, equal 22, only that we should question why we are so quick to say it is untrue.) Only through the lens of Love can we make trustworthy judgements. Self-awareness is my only solution, as it often is. I must continue to observe my thoughts, my emotions, my involvement, and my energy. I am not alone in this. I need to ask for support from friends, for them to be a sounding board without pushing me deeper into the strong current of negativity. Only through self-awareness might I have a chance to understand when I am purpose-fully using critical thought, and when I am being unjustly critical.

BestSelf, Healing, Intention, Loving Kindness, Practice, Yoga

Consent and Hands-On Adjustments in the Yoga Classroom

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

August 3, 2016

- BestSelf, Healing, Intention, Loving Kindness, Practice, Yoga

“Throughout class I will offer hands-on adjustments, if you are open to receiving adjustments during your practice, [turn your palms to the ceiling] now, and if you prefer not to be touched, stay as you are.” I say the above, or something similar, towards the beginning of any yoga class I teach during which I intend to give students physical adjustments. To me, this doesn’t seem revolutionary. More and more, yoga instructors are being taught or coming to realize that it is important to ask permission before touching their students. Not everyone wants to be touched every day, and there is an enormous list of possibilities as to why that might be – injury, trauma, bad mood, distractions. I am not going to address those possibilities in any detail here, instead I will discuss consent. I have been asking my students’ permission before giving adjustments for about a year, but recently I have shifted to using the consent-based language above. Why? Thanks to a workshop with Gwen Soffer (Enso Yoga) and Melissa Lucchesi (Voices Inc.) my eyes were opened to the distinction of consent (see resources at the bottom of this post for more information). Consent is empowering. Consent allows you to say, “yes,” as emphatically as you want, so that you don’t have to say, “no,” with any emphasis (or panic). In a culture that is hyper-sensitive to political correctness, we have somehow neglected the importance of consent. The baseline assumption when you request anything of another person, should be that the answer will be “no.” I don’t say that to sound negative, I say that because unless they consent, unless they choose to answer “yes,” then you shouldn’t expect your request to be granted. In the US you are innocent until proven guilty, well, in this life your requests are denied until they are granted. When you are acting in relation to others – you need to ask – you can’t just act presumptuously. I mean… you can, but if you do, you’re probably being a privileged asshole. That being said, just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you will receive it. The baseline assumption when another person requests something of you, should NOT be that you are obligated to find a way to say “yes.” Saying “yes” doesn’t make you a better person, more generous, or cooler. Saying “yes” when you don’t want to is not only exhausting, but also, by saying “yes” when you don’t want to, you are surrendering your personal power. We tend to fall victim to social obligation, rather than practicing our right to consent. I truly believe there is no personal freedom greater than the power to give consent. So, back to the yoga classroom… Here are some of my thoughts about consent, lack thereof, and hands-on adjustments in class, based on my own personal experience as a student and a teacher. If a teacher asks permission before giving physical assists in any way, even without using consent-based language, I believe that is better than not asking at all. For example, I used to say, “Throughout class I will offer hands-on adjustments, if you prefer not to be touched [turn your palms to the ceiling] now.” This is almost the same as how I ask now, but it requires that those who do not want to be touched take action to opt out. This is not the same as giving consent. This assumes that everyone wants to be touched, except for those that don’t. It also puts those who are opting out in a potentially uncomfortable position. Similarly, I have also heard teachers mention at the start of class, “I will be giving assists during class, if anything feels uncomfortable, you are welcome to say no thank you.” Social obligation may drive students to accept unwanted assists, or to feel guilty about taking action to say “no.” It’s like walking around a party with a tray of hors d’oeuvres and handing them out to everyone instead of letting people choose to take one for themselves. All the party-goers take on that distinctly awkward body language as a deviled egg is shoved into their hand and they mumble, “oh, okay, thanks,” and then turn to their friend and say, “I really don’t want this,” and end up leaving it hidden in the foliage of the nearest houseplant. If a teacher only asks permission while in the process of giving an assist, I still believe that is better than not asking at all… but barely. The instructor’s hands are on the student and then they say, “does this feel okay?” In some cases, a student will reply “no,” but more often than not they just nod their head in agreement. I have to wonder how many students have grimaced through a painful or downright bad assist out of social obligation and a desire to placate their instructor. Finally, there are teachers who do not ask permission at all to give hands-on assists. Some of these instructors are my friends, and some are my teachers. I still choose to take many of their classes, but I am practiced in letting go of social obligation, setting my own boundaries, and saying “no,” and that is not the case with most students. Some of the reasons I have heard to justify giving hands-on assists without asking permission include:

Two fold…
1. “If a student comes to my class, they know they will be adjusted.” What about new students? What about students you know but have a new injury, or are in a bad mood, or just want their freakin’ space today? I can tell you from my own experience that there are certain teachers that I know will adjust me if I am in class, and when I am having a day that I don’t want to be touched, I don’t go to their class.
2. “If they don’t want to be adjusted, they can just go to a different class.” Sigh. Well, shit.
“I can just sense whether someone wants to be touched or not. I can sense their energy.” Even the most wonderful, in tune, energetically aware instructors have been blinded by their own ego and presumptions and given me assists that were unwanted. That is, before I learned to say “no.” Please please please, instructors, keep your ego in check on this one.
“I’ve been teaching for so long, I’m not going to change the way I do things now.” Well that’s just a stupid excuse. The yoga practice is one of self-awareness and personal growth. If you have decided that you will continue to not ask permission before giving adjustments, fine, but at least come up with a justifiable reason.

I ask my instructor friends to join me in questioning why we approach adjustments in the way that we do. Is it our place to give hands-on assists? Should we ask for permission, and if so, how/when? What is the real purpose behind each and every assist? When might we be causing more harm than good? How much of how we view assists is our own stuff/ego? What might we be putting on our students? How can we best serve every student who walks into our classes? Historically, this conversation has gotten pretty heated. It is difficult to consider that we might be harming our students or making them uncomfortable when we have the best of intentions. Just try to take the time to reflect on consent-based physical assists. Whether or not it resonates with you as a teacher or practitioner, I believe that we owe it to our students. The teacher-student dynamic inherently has a power hierarchy, and as teachers, we need to take every precaution not to strip our students of their personal power. Consent is a personal freedom. Let’s give it back to our students.

Click the Links Below for More Resources: Affirmative Consent Arrives in Yoga Studios Permission Stones Trauma Informed Lens – Gwen Soffer and Melissa Lucchesi

Processing: When is the Right Time to Advocate for Others?

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

April 29, 2016

- Honesty, Intention, Practice

As I sit down to write this, I wonder how to even begin. I wonder if I even should begin, since I am still feeling a lot of anger. I am not feeling love. I am feeling confused, frustrated, and conflicted. With the help of powerful teachers and a strong community, over the past few years it has become very evident to me that part of my role in this life is two-fold: 1) To be an advocate for those who aren’t always seen or heard, when it is appropriate, necessary, and wanted. (To clarify, here I am referring specifically to peer advocacy – taking action to represent the rights and interests of someone other than myself). 2) And when it isn’t an appropriate time to advocate for others, for one of many possible reasons… To be compassionate towards all people/beings/things, and to acknowledge the diversity of those whom I share this life with. This is still new for me, and it is something I am learning to express effectively, so bear with me. Right now I am struggling with the difference between the two folds of this role. When should I, and when I shouldn’t I, take a stand for others? When should I back down? Is it always going to feel right when I do take a stand? Conflict is an ever-present element in advocacy. I, like many others, do not like conflict. Conflict doesn’t make me feel good, but it is sometimes necessary. What spurred this reflection? Facebook. Ugh. An argument on Facebook that I instigated in response to an insensitive post by someone not very close to me, but still connected to me. I wasn’t looking for a fight – at least not consciously. To instigate, I simply asked what I thought to be a provocative question, one that might at least cause the person to consider compassion as an option. And, like most Facebook arguments, it got way out of hand from there. While the details of the arguments made on each side aren’t relevant here (although they are still infuriating to me), I do think it is important to note the topic of the conversation: The use of public bathrooms by individuals who identify as transgender. I identify as queer, in that I feel that my gender and sexuality lie outside of the norms set by our society… But, I at this point in my life I do not think of myself as transgender. So as soon as this argument blew up, my first question was: “Was this an appropriate time for me to advocate for this group of people?” Well, maybe not. I mean, no one asked me to stand up for them in that moment. No one asked for my voice. I was triggered by the insensitivity I saw nonetheless, and I felt moved to say something. To me, this looked like an argument about fear and love. So maybe it was an appropriate time? I am still unsure. This argument, which had a lifespan of over two weeks, ended with me stepping down. It was clear that I was not going to make any headway or change this person’s opinion in the slightest. So I unfollowed the post, and removed the person’s posts from my newsfeed. If we couldn’t agree to disagree, I figured that was amicable enough. I was wrong… this individual continued to send me unsolicited information regarding their position, and each message sent contained increasingly hateful language, so I blocked them completely. Should I have said anything in the first place? Should I have backed down once I did? Why am I still so angry? I am mostly writing this in the hopes to release some of that anger, but I welcome any productive conversation surrounding the questions I am left with.

Asking for What I Need

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

February 9, 2016

- BestSelf, Honesty, Intention, Practice

I am a people-pleaser, a giver, a compromiser… and these are all things that I am proud of. I give a lot to the people I care about, and I don’t like saying “no” to their needs and desires. I have heard my loved ones denied too many times to compound that negativity. Caring for others and giving to them – out of Love – brings me the most joy. But, when it comes to asking others for what I need, I am often afraid. I am afraid to hear “no.” I am afraid to be needy. I am afraid to be weak. I am afraid to want. Don’t get me wrong, when I have to, I stand my ground. I can be stubborn. I know how to set boundaries and stick to them. But, when I want a little thing… I am afraid it is too trivial. I am afraid to ask for it. I tell myself it is just a little thing anyways, and I try to let it go. I want so badly to always be content, that when I find myself needing/wanting something, I try and reframe and erase that desire, for the sake of contentment. Fake it ’til you make it, right? Wrong. The thing is… Fear adds up. And it adds up quickly. For every little want or need that is suppressed, Fear increases exponentially. Sometimes (like this weekend) I find myself in the arms of my partner, starting to fall apart because I have given so much at work, socially, energetically, romantically… and haven’t asked for what I need. I am grateful that he holds me accountable and reminds me… In these moments, I am so afraid to ask for what I need, that I am already defeated. In my mind, there is no chance of getting a “yes” in response, and I just give up. Don’t Give Up. Ask. “Can you help me with ______?” “Will you stop what you are doing and talk to me?” “Can you give me some space?” “Will you be on time?” “Can you set aside time just for me?” “Will you let me know ______ ahead of time?” “Can you tell me what to expect?” Sometimes the answer will be “no” and sometimes it will be “yes.” That’s the prerogative of whomever I am asking. It is my responsibility to communicate my needs, and not to give up before the question is even posed, just because I am afraid to ask it. For the Love of me, for the Love of my relationships with my friends, family, and coworkers – I must ask for what I need. That is why I wear this reminder on my wrist. No matter how much time I devote to the idea – Love over Fear – I still need the reminder. If you see me falter, you can remind me too. Love first.

Vulnerability – the Emotional Vampire

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

August 30, 2015

- Intention, Loving Kindness, Mind, Practice, Soul

I have been feeling extremely vulnerable lately. Adjusting to the unforeseen change in my plans has not been easy – and I knew it wouldn’t be. What I didn’t realize was that in order to get my life settled once again, I would be putting myself in a place of extreme vulnerability. In order to meet basic needs – work, housing, food, community – I must be vulnerable. Making new connections, asking for help, applying for jobs… all come at the risk of judgement and rejection. I am learning that vulnerability is an emotional vampire. When I choose to make myself vulnerable, I am choosing to surrender most of my emotional energy and intelligence to those moments of vulnerability. So, in reaching out to new people in an attempt to make the connections that will help me feel settled in this chapter of my life, I am surrendering much of what I usually have in store to give to others. I have seen the effects of this in my personal relationships. After a day (or many days) of making new connections through emails, phone calls, and meetings, I am tired, disinterested, irritable, and I just don’t have a lot left to give to the people I love. I need their support more than ever, and I’m too exhausted to keep open myself to it. I’ve noticed this becoming a problem. Now what do I do about it? How do I budget my vulnerability? I will start by being more conscious of it. Limit the amount of time and energy I give to putting myself out there each day. Increase the amount of time and energy I give to myself each day. And – fingers crossed – in doing so, I will have more love and openness to share with those that matter most to me. Give less of myself, in order to give more of myself. I love Danielle LaPorte, and am a big fan of her #truthbomb cards. They’re kind of like Tarot cards, but way easier to understand. Still, there is room for interpretation. Yesterday I pulled the card “Do the fucking work.” How fitting. I’m struggling to settle in, feeling vulnerable, exposed, and like all my own stuff is coming to the surface of my relationships. All the stuff that it is my work to sort through. Do the work. The work. The work doesn’t mean “work” insofar as an exchange of time and effort for money. The work is precisely what you don’t want to do. The work is exactly what you need to do, for the sake of your very core Being. The work is growth. The work is hard. The work means moments of intense pain in exchange for extreme freedom. Do. The. Fucking. Work. Do the work, Jenna. Be your BestSelf. That’s why you’re here, right? Intention is everything. I intend to do the work. Here’s to facing vulnerability and not shutting down emotionally. It will all be settled soon. If vulnerability is a vampire, what do you think its garlic is? Maybe I’ll stock up on some of that, too. (photo credit: Danielle LaPorte)

A Balancing Act – Forgiveness and Ego

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

July 7, 2015

- Healing, Intention, Loving Kindness, Mind

There is a very fine balance between Forgiveness and Ego. The fact that we view Forgiveness as something that we ‘grant’, we ‘bestow’, we ‘give’… is enough to prove how closely it is connected to Ego. It isn’t often that I hold a grudge, but recently I found myself harboring resentment, and I realized my own Ego was the source of struggle. Ego tells us that we are better than, that we deserve better, and that we are right. Ego never plays devil’s advocate, never tries to see the other side, and never tries to let go. Our Ego is what prevents us from accepting an apology. It’s that voice whispering in the back of your mind that tells you someone’s apology wasn’t quite right. Maybe their apology showed that they don’t truly understand what they did to hurt you, and Ego says that’s just not good enough. Can you blame Ego? Ego just doesn’t want us to hurt. Forgiveness accepts hurt, lives with it, and moves on. That’s not to say that Forgiveness is a one and done deal. You can’t just say, “I forgive you,” and step back to watch all of the resentment and hurt magically fizzle away. Forgiveness is a conscious decision to look into the face of the one who hurt you, and see the love that is there, ~~even~~ especially in the moments when what they did creeps back into your heart and mind. It’s a decision to put Ego on the backburner, to step down from the idea that you deserve better. Because at the end of the day, whomever hurt you was doing the best they could. Not only in the moment that they wronged you, but also in the moment that they tried to apologize for it. And yes, maybe their best was shitty… but in that moment, it was their best. We can’t reasonably ask anyone for more than their best. However, the knowledge that people are doing their best in any given moment can quickly become an excuse for others. Forgiveness is not always deserved. Sometimes the other person’s best is just not good enough. Sometimes, Ego is right – you do deserve better, and you were right. You should protect yourself and move on in life without whoever caused you hurt. Ego serves a very important purpose. All I am suggesting is that when holding a grudge, we should consider playing devil’s advocate, even if only for a moment, and teeter on that tightrope between Ego and Forgiveness. Sometimes you will find that Ego is right, and your grudge will stand. Other times, you will find it in you to put a damper on your own Ego, and make the conscious choice to continuously grant Forgiveness. Forgiveness makes us vulnerable – and it may make us wobble – but when it is deserved, Forgiveness has the power to set things back in balance.

Grace Overdue

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

June 17, 2015

- Intention, Loving Kindness, Mind, Soul

I wasn’t raised with religion. My father is a professor at a Catholic university, and has worked there my entire life. I can remember when I was growing up, my dad had a Darwin fish bumper sticker on his car, and it was torn off one day while he was parked in the lot at work. That same university is where I completed my undergraduate education. Catholic Theology was a required part of the core curriculum. It is also one of the only courses I have ever gotten a “C” in. I will be the first to admit, I went into that class with a baaaaad attitude. Not because I didn’t respect the Catholic faith, or any Faith for that matter, but because I didn’t have any faith of my own. Well, that, and because most of my classmates had either gone to Catholic school or CCD growing up and inherently knew the answers to test questions. I’m usually one of the annoying kids in the front row of class who knows every answer, but in this class, I made an effort to hide. I can remember one assignment in particular that really ticked me off. At the end of class, our professor gave us the prompt for a one-page paper: What is Grace? “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I muttered out of the side of my mouth to the girl sitting one row over. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. For the next several days, I complained about this assignment to anyone who would listen. My friends, my coworkers, my family… I think I even said something to my academic advisor. I thought I was ticked off because there was a specific (Catholic) pointed response that I was expected to have memorized. And maybe there was, I can’t say for sure, because I know whatever I turned in received a big fat zero. But really, I was ticked off because I didn’t know the answer. I didn’t know the answer, because I was too blind to see it. The thought of even trying to find an answer scared me shitless. I wish that I could take that course over again, if only to redo that assignment. I’m still not Catholic. But, I do know Grace. I have seen it. I have seen Grace in my own life; my own blessings. I have seen Grace in the Divine beings around me. Grace is the luck that got me this far in life. Grace is what saved me from living in fear. Conscious living is filled with Grace. Meaningful relationships are filled with Grace. My yoga practice is Grace expressed. Spending time outdoors is Grace experienced. SO many moments in my life have been blessed; have been gracious. And Grace doesn’t care that this assignment is overdue. Grace is loving, no matter what.

“Maybe you care too much…”

By jennab0728@gmail.com on

June 15, 2015

- Intention, Mind, Practice

There are the stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we are told. Sometimes the line gets blurred and you aren’t even sure of the origin of the story. In any case, stories are open to interpretation. One of the stories buzzing around in my head is entitled, I Care Too Much. Now, this story has definitely been suggested to me on many occasions. In school, in relationships, at work, in casual conversation… Let’s just call these episodes of the same story. All of these episodes have a similar structure: I invest myself in something, hit a wall, get frustrated, and someone offers up, “Maybe you just care too much, Jenna.” Dear Friends, Family, and Coworkers…. That’s not exactly the most helpful piece of advice. Care is consideration paid to something that is important. What is important, of course, is relative. I decide what is important to me, and then I pay careful consideration to it. And to me, caring is black and white. You either care, or you are apathetic. There is no spectrum of gray from “barely care” to “pretty much care.” You are either all in or all out. Therefore, in my world, it is impossible to care too much. If someone suggests I care too much, maybe they just value things differently. What is important to me might not be important to them. In some episodes of this story, that might be the case. Other times, I am willing to bet that there is some truth to the I Care Too Much story. However, I would prefer to express that truth in more precise words. I think that often when I seemingly “care too much,” I am Attached to an Expectation. The next time I hear the words, “Maybe you just care too much,” I am not going to allow myself to be upset by them. Instead, I am going to take a step back and ask myself whether that sentiment may have been inspired by an unrealistic attachment or expectation. Do I really care too much about that project at work? Do I really care too much about this person or relationship? Do I really care too much about sustainable agriculture/labeling GMOs/deforestation (or whatever else I decide to go on a rant about while I’m having dinner with friends)? Or, am I just attached to an unrealistic, unfair, or outlandish expectation for that project/person/issue? If so, I can be conscious of that. I can change that. I can’t change what I care about. I just care. Caring is cool. Maybe I ~~care too much~~ Maybe I need to let go of attachment. Maybe I need to let go of expectation. Maybe I need to stop being afraid to let go. But, I won’t stop caring. I won’t stop loving.

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